On the box

Networks in need of a reality check

When it comes to television, I’m not picky. You can sit me down in front of anything and I’ll go into it with an open mind.

I can honestly say I’ve enjoyed episodes of The View, I look forward to and watch the Logies religiously in their entirety every year.  Heck, I even devoted an entire column to Burn Notice last month!

Yet something despicable has been happening on our screens these past few weeks and even I can’t bear to look.

First, the big-wigs at Channel Nine have decided that it’d be a good idea to put the Celebrity Apprentice back on television. Unlike the US version, our home-grown cast is lacking the big personalities that can really pull off the format. Instead of watching the ex-bankrupt toupee-enthusiast, Donald Trump, we are left with the mild-mannered Mark Bouris.

Bouris isn’t half the egoist that Trump is. There’s no Bouris Tower to be found here and, to be honest, that’s one of the biggest drawcards of the original. Bouris comes off as a savvy businessman with a level head – not the kind of guy who’s going to go on a late night chat show and demand the president’s birth certificate.

The same can be said for the contestants. There’s nothing more captivating than watching Lou Ferrigno (TV’s The Hulk) sitting on the phone to a catering company, trying to do the necessary mental maths to organise finger food. Watching Dawn Fraser run around in a tracksuit just doesn’t compare.  

While The Apprentice Australia didn’t need a second season, it comes off like an episode of Game of Thrones when compared with Celebrity Splash. Having plummeted (sorry) in the ratings in both the US and the UK and even featuring a death in the Chinese incarnation, the Australia version is just as bleak. The premise: a bunch of mainly D-listers jump into a pool. There’s really not much more to say about it than that.

Hosts Larry Emdur and Kylie Gillies put on brave smiles and add some class to the proceedings that feature people you don’t want to see in bathing costumes … in bathing costumes. You can’t help but feel for Australian TV-veteran Denise Drysdale – she deserves a better vehicle to showcase her talent. Someone start a petition.

Celebrity Splash answers the question: “What is Thunder from Gladiator up to these days?” and not much else. With the ratings already taking a sharp nosedive (couldn’t help it) after the initial episodes, even Channel 7 have subsided their impassioned spruiking of this truly horrible program. Avoid it at all costs.